” Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.”Isaiah 40:28 NIV
Two years ago, I gave birth to my youngest daughter Addison. A beautiful 6lb 11oz baby girl. Dark brown curls, glowing tan skin, and light eyes that stared into your soul. Just gorgeous in every way this mama would put it. But in all of that beauty I was sad and couldn’t figure out why. So, I ignored the feeling and enjoyed my moment with my daughter and husband. Three days in the hospital, everyday I cried. I didn’t understand why. So, I ignored it.
We get home from the hospital and I am greeted at my home by my wonder mother in law ( I would not have made it through that week without her), but I was still sad. I was tired, sad, didn’t want to get out of bed, passed Addison off to my husband every chance I got. Once my in laws left, by that time, anger sat in. I became bitter. Bitter at my husband for not being what i think he should have been, bitter at our children, bitter at Addison for not sleeping (never a thought of hurting her!!!!). But bitter. I was bitter at myself for being this useless mother and terrible wife. I felt no one deserved to put up with me. I felt empty and lonely. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to church and ladies bible study. I just stayed in my room, pumping milk and listening to Addison breath so peaceful in her slumber. This is postpartum depression. Six long weeks of misery.
One night, I heard this song, Broken Vessel by Hillsong Worship and one verse spoke so deep that it tugged at the very core of me :
“All these pieces, Broken and scattered, In mercy gathered
Mended and whole. Empty-handed, But not forsaken.
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free “
In those words, I begin to realize Satan was winning in my life. I was a christian but still Satan was still winning this depression battle with me. I pushed away my husband, my kids, and sadly God too. I unfairly put expectations on my husband to be my saving grace. I was bitter because I wanted him to save me from this issue, I began to idolize my husband over God. I was bitter because I expected my kids to save me from this issue, I began to idolized them over God. I was bitter because I felt I should do better, no mother or wife would put their family through this, I began to idolize my title and take God out of my life. I want to be a living example of the love of Jesus Christ. The transforming power of his mercy. I began to find my purpose in Christ and repair my relationship with my husband and children.
Hillsong Worship: Broken Vessel
“You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me, “
I give you my testimony to say, God sees you worthy. Through your sin, insecurity, or fear… He will never leave you nor forsake you, He will walk with to the very end. God sees you worthy. God is the only one to be your everything. He wants to be enough for you. He made you in His image, with purpose and intent. You matter! Seek your worthiness in God, confidently trust him with your life. Accept His Word as truth. There are so many ways you seek for affirmation and worthiness in this world. Money, TV, other men/women, social media, friends, drugs, sex, etc…. but all of those earthly flesh-filled joys will never amount to the grace and mercy Jesus Christ offers for us. His peace excels every layer of yourself. Jesus’s grace is given freely, covering our sin debt. His resources are unlimited and strength beyond comprehension. His provision is perfect. The power of this kind of love is transforming, it draws you near God.
***If you are feeling the way I felt in my testimony, I encourage you to seek God, talk to a godly friend, or even talk to me. ***