Broken Vessel

” Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.”

Isaiah 40:28 NIV

Two years ago, I gave birth to my youngest daughter Addison. A beautiful 6lb 11oz baby girl. Dark brown curls, glowing tan skin, and light eyes that stared into your soul. Just gorgeous in every way this mama would put it. But in all of that beauty I was sad and couldn’t figure out why. So, I ignored the feeling and enjoyed my moment with my daughter and husband. Three days in the hospital, everyday I cried. I didn’t understand why. So, I ignored it.

We get home from the hospital and I am greeted at my home by my wonder mother in law ( I would not have made it through that week without her), but I was still sad. I was tired, sad, didn’t want to get out of bed, passed Addison off to my husband every chance I got. Once my in laws left, by that time, anger sat in. I became bitter. Bitter at my husband for not being what i think he should have been, bitter at our children, bitter at Addison for not sleeping (never a thought of hurting her!!!!). But bitter. I was bitter at myself for being this useless mother and terrible wife. I felt no one deserved to put up with me. I felt empty and lonely. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to church and ladies bible study. I just stayed in my room, pumping milk and listening to Addison breath so peaceful in her slumber. This is postpartum depression. Six long weeks of misery.

One night, I heard this song, Broken Vessel by Hillsong Worship and one verse spoke so deep that it tugged at the very core of me :
“All these pieces, Broken and scattered, In mercy gathered
Mended and whole. Empty-handed, But not forsaken.
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free

In those words, I begin to realize Satan was winning in my life. I was a christian but still Satan was still winning this depression battle with me. I pushed away my husband, my kids, and sadly God too. I unfairly put expectations on my husband to be my saving grace. I was bitter because I wanted him to save me from this issue, I began to idolize my husband over God. I was bitter because I expected my kids to save me from this issue, I began to idolized them over God. I was bitter because I felt I should do better, no mother or wife would put their family through this, I began to idolize my title and take God out of my life. I want to be a living example of the love of Jesus Christ. The transforming power of his mercy. I began to find my purpose in Christ and repair my relationship with my husband and children.

“You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me, “

Hillsong Worship: Broken Vessel

I give you my testimony to say, God sees you worthy. Through your sin, insecurity, or fear… He will never leave you nor forsake you, He will walk with to the very end. God sees you worthy. God is the only one to be your everything. He wants to be enough for you. He made you in His image, with purpose and intent. You matter! Seek your worthiness in God, confidently trust him with your life. Accept His Word as truth. There are so many ways you seek for affirmation and worthiness in this world. Money, TV, other men/women, social media, friends, drugs, sex, etc…. but all of those earthly flesh-filled joys will never amount to the grace and mercy Jesus Christ offers for us. His peace excels every layer of yourself. Jesus’s grace is given freely, covering our sin debt. His resources are unlimited and strength beyond comprehension. His provision is perfect. The power of this kind of love is transforming, it draws you near God.

***If you are feeling the way I felt in my testimony, I encourage you to seek God, talk to a godly friend, or even talk to me. ***

Pride is not love

…but speaking the truth in LOVE , we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is head, even Christ”

Ephesians 4:15

When we face conflict within our marriage, how do you handle this? Justifying your behavior, maybe? Shifting blame? Revenge? And how do you feel after all of this is over? Do you feel heard? Did you reach common ground? Or guilty, with even more built up aggression? Do you feel proud of yourself? You know, telling it like it is. There is only one way to sum up this thinking….PRIDE.

Pride is an inflated opinion about yourself, a birthing of self-deception. Pride tells you that your opinions are justified. Pride speaks lies to you: “I can do this on my own!”, “It’s my way or no way!”, “He doesn’t know what he is doing!”, or “I’m an independent woman, I don’t need him!”. Pride is dangerous, it justifies your actions and opinions. Pride makes you become self-preserved, never acting in love. Instead of drawing the love of your life near you it has the opposing effect, it pushes him away. Marital conflicts can be resolved by laying our pride aside and working together as the one flesh, the unity that God intended.

” With all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4:2-3

These two verses sums up exactly what a believer’s reaction should be in the mist of conflict. Especially a wife! A humble wife views herself in perspective to God. You don’t think more highly of yourself than you ought to think. You become sensitive to God’s direction when you take the position of submissiveness to God’s word. When you humble yourself by putting your husband first. You go to seek God’s way and glorify Him with your meekness, your strength under control. This is one of the characteristics of modest apparel. A lot of times we, women, express too much emotion during conflict. There is nothing sinful about being emotional but it can become sinful when it is used to manipulate your way over your husband. Gentleness or meekness in this verse gives compassion. It isn’t harsh or sarcastic. It doesn’t act hysterical or fearful. You become thoughtful and careful in your deeds toward your husband and God. Long suffering and Forbearing means just that, PUT UP WITH YOUR HUSBAND! Just as God loves us, gave his son, Jesus Christ, for our transgressions, our sins, our carnal nature, we need to love our husbands with that same love. Easy said, huh? But what if a say there is a difference in loving your husband through your “wife lens” than loving him through “Gods lens”? God’s lens looks past your imperfection and leaves the door of communication and grace.
“…… For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” Latter part of 1 Samuel 16:7

“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.”

Proverbs 16:18-19

When we are coated in pride, we leave no room for God. We become bitter and resentful. We build these giant walls and smother our intimacy. Our one flesh that God says “it is good” becomes fatally wounded but our selfish deeds and desires. Take the coat off… You may feel vulnerable at first, getting adjusted to the new climate, a little exposed. However, because God has given you free will, you have to freedom to give God the opportunity to clothe you in righteousness, humility, and sensitivity. You yield to God’s way. You become aware of the your husband’s feelings and the feelings of those around you. You now become love-focused isn’t of self-focused.

Adopting God’s perspective of your circumstances, your husband, your children and your relationships; seeing things from His point of view and embracing His way gives your joyful understanding and helps you to respond without sin. Remember this, I haven’t found a truer saying: “Attitude is the posture of the heart.”